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Faith

Sep 9, 2024

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Faith. Belief. Trust.


It seems I could have endless blog posts about these topics. I write now as someone who's faith is still a work in progress. Perhaps it always will be and never will feel or be complete.


I feel inspired to write on this topic though, partially as a form of a journal entry of sorts, and partially to work out some of my own 'kinks' when it comes to where my own faith journey is at present. I seem to be wrestling much with this right now.


A few months ago my wife and I decided to become faithful, cheerful, and obedient 'givers.' St. Paul writes in chapters 8 and 9 in his second letter to the Corinthians about being a generous giver. He says:


Consider this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each must do as already determined, without sadness or compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. Moreover, God is able to make every grace abundant for you, so that in all things, always having all you need, you may have an abundance for every good work.

2 Cor 8:6-8


St. Paul continues:


The one who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed and increase the harvest of your righteousness. You are being enriched in every for all generosity, which through us produces thanksgiving to God.

2 Cor: 9-10


There is a lot to unpack in all of this. For starters: reaping and sowing bountifully, cheerfully; without sadness or compulsion. And I think that's where the Lord is working on my heart right now. That's been a major stretch for me lately.


Our Lord commands us to tithe:


All tithes of the land, whether in grain from the fields or in fruit from the trees, belong to the LORD; they are sacred to the LORD. If someone wishes to redeem any of the tithes, the person shall pay one fifth more than their value. The tithes of the herd and the flock, every tenth animal that passes under the herdsman’s rod, shall be sacred to the LORD.

Leviticus 27:30-32


Honor the LORD with your wealth, with first fruits of all your produce.

Proverbs 3:9


Thus you too shall make a contribution to the LORD from all the tithes you take from the Israelites, handing over to Aaron the priest the contribution to the LORD. From all the gifts to you, you shall make every contribution due to the LORD—from their best parts, that is the part to be consecrated from them.

Numbers 18:28-29


But we were never great about tithing 10% of our first fruits or from the best parts of our income. Not even close. Like so many others, we held fast to our hard-earned 'bread' and tried our best to pay our bills, hopefully save some money, and either pay off debt, or attempt to stay out of it completely. This was our modus operandi all our lives and, for me, not at all before marriage. Until recently.


However, our Lord is a good, good father. He has countless promises for us. So, my wife and I are putting this to the test, just as he advised:


Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Put me to the test, says the LORD of hosts, and see if I do not open the floodgates of heaven for you, and pour down upon you blessing without measure!

Malachi 3:10


Together, we decided not only to tithe 10% of our gross earnings, but blow the lid off of that and go beyond where either of us had ever been. We've moved up to a new level and are now not only tithing, but also sowing an even greater seed as our household is a 20% giver of our income!


This has been a grand adventure so far, testing our faith in the goodness of the Lord. Being in the middle of this process, we are doing our best in waiting with confident expectation for the Lord to, as St. Paul said: multiply our seed and increase the harvest of our righteousness.


But, I will admit, my faith is truly being put to the test. It seems less like a test for the Lord, and more a test of my own belief in his righteousness and goodness. I never grew up as a faith-filled person, let alone with trust that there was a benevolent spiritual being that was looking out for my highest good. I've heard it said that we typically come to know who God is by who our earthly father is. That's probably a grave over-simplification for everyone, but makes a lot of sense in my case, and in my wife's case, too.


Neither of us grew up wealthy. We both were raised in modest, middle-income homes. My father, may he rest in peace, had his own demons to fight. That's a blog for another day, but he was very unreliable. I grew up never having confident expectation that he would be around for important events in my life. I knew he loved me, but he had too many of his own problems that prevented him from being a consistent loving force in my life. I grew up with a lot of angst and anger towards him. My step-father was a very consistent presence in my life. I knew he also loved me, but he was a fairly quiet man. He was a dedicated employee who worked very hard to provide for his family. In many ways, I inherited his work ethic and care for one's family. He has since passed away too. I have great love for these men and am blessed they cared for me, as many men cannot say the same for the fathers or father-figures in their lives.


That all being said, I did not grow up learning about how to reap and sow bountifully from them, nor from my mother, and with cheerfulness, to boot! This is an entirely new concept for me, conjured from the Spirit. Willingly giving away money to the Church or to causes she espouses, has not yet happened with glee or cheer. It's not happening with compulsion or sadness, necessarily, but it isn't happening yet without doubt or speculation as to how it will actually be spent. This distrust does not seem to be of God. And I am in a spiritual battle with it at present.


Perhaps I write all of this to work through my own process of spiritual growth. Change does not come instantly, and I have been very impatient with that. I have repented of this sin, but I continue to be faced with a certain unbelief that the Lord will indeed take care of me and all that is dear, namely my family. There is a spirit of doubt that still resides. It's a voice that often tells me that God will make me suffer first before he will take care of me. And that such care may not even come.


I think of the book of Job. He was a righteous man who suffered much pain and was even punished by God for no apparent reason. I fear this may be my lot too. Yet, I battle against that. Where did this false belief come from? Perhaps it's from simply experiencing pain and suffering in life. Maybe it's from having a split-family home where dependency on fathers was a tenuous and difficult path. It felt unstable and unpredictable. Perhaps a core belief was planted in me that challenges my faith and trust in a good and loving father.


If that's the case, I want that to be healed, Lord Jesus. Heal me of this unbelief. Help me to know that I am loved, and that you will always be there for me, loving me to the end, taking care of me and my needs. Help me to trust that you are indeed a good and loving father; and that your promises are true. I waver, Lord. Strengthen me.


My wife and I not only are tithing and sowing 20% of our gross income, but we also did the same from our savings recently. Now, that was a startling decision! I credit my wife on that one. I've been the impetus to alter our giving to 20% of our earnings, and she went further and said we need multiplication in our savings too. I believe she's right. I confidently await the Lord's goodness in that.


Lord, strengthen my faith. Make me a believer. Heal my wounds. Anything that has taken my eyes off of you and your infinite wisdom, love, and goodness, transform it so that I can be free. Free to give abundantly. You are able to make every grace abundant for me, so that in all things, I have all I need, and also have an abundance for every good work. Lord, help me to trust and have faith in this.


I love you, Lord, with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. Change me into your disciple.


Sep 9, 2024

6 min read

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